The Caroline Chronicles

Hello friends!

It’s been some time since I’ve wandered onto this region of the internet. And though a great many fantastical blogs exist for all of your reading pleasure, my old blog included, I still can’t help but type my way back into this cherished space. You see, writing has long been a great passion of mine, a practice that I can trace back to my earliest years of school when my favorite part of the day was journaling in class. I’ve always found comfort in writing my thoughts out, even if I’m the only one who will ever read what spills out from my mind… for about a year, I’ve been longing to log back onto my old blog and start updating the space that gave me so much solace in my early days of motherhood, but I hesitated time and time again when I remembered why I stopped in the first place.

When my son, Jonah, was still small enough to sleep comfortably on my chest, I’d use that time to curate and piece together many posts about my journey thus far in motherhood and how I was surviving in a whole new world of trials and unknowns. My posts were generally long, dressed up with fancy words and very much made my experience out to be something enviable. I romanticized nearly every aspect of motherhood, perhaps as a way to convince myself that everything was in fact, perfectly okay. Though in truth I was struggling every day under the weight of anxiety and depression as they presented in my postpartum journey. I crumbled daily under the most unrealistic expectations for myself and my body, and I compared every part of my life to those around me as though they lived in a perfect shiny bubble. My blog was nothing more than a journal of the things I dreamed of for myself, all the while denying all the beauty that sat right in front of me.

I stepped away from the blogging space after my daughter, Lily, was born. It was meant to be a tiny break to realign myself so that I might start writing the truths of my mothering experience, even if they weren’t what I wanted them to be. And somehow the last three years have entirely slipped through my fingers instead. My children have grown and my life has altered drastically from where I last left off.

The world often feels distant, as though I am merely a passenger along for the ride. I’ve lingered in the haze of this ever present depression that sometimes lifts enough for me to breathe, but only for a few moments before engulfing my mind again. Writing can be exhausting when the air around me feels so heavy. It often takes every ounce of my will power just to get out of bed and be present for my children, and even when I am it’s not to the degree that I’d like. Finding the right headspace to write on the beauties and challenges of motherhood has been rather impossible, which is evident in my lack of blogging. Yet I sit here today writing all of this out and trying again.

But why?

I love to write! Writing is a cherished part of my identity that I once nurtured. Up-keeping a blog wasn’t just a trendy thing that I decided to partake in. I didn’t do it so that I might fit into this particular mold of motherhood that looked appealing from the outside… blogging was but a natural continuation of the journaling that brought me such joy in my childhood! Writing has always been my therapy, a way for me to unravel the thoughts that overwhelm my mind. Even when my posts were embellished and exaggerated, there was this part of me that felt nurtured as I typed away on my laptop. I loved keeping a blog and sharing my journey, even if only to a tiny audience.

Today I return to this space, but with the intention to face my mothering journey with more honesty and to give myself more grace. I understand that my happiness doesn’t come from writing beautiful posts, rather I can learn about myself in my writing. I want to journal about the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I want this to be a space where my words might inspire other moms to find peace in their mothering journeys as well. A place where we can accept our realities for what they are and find community in each other. I don’t want to shy away from the tough topics; Postpartum anxiety and depression, finances, mental health, doubt, fear, raising children in a world of judgement… this will be a space where I can share my story honestly and with transparency, even if it’s hard. And I hope it will also be a space for you to find that motherhood doesn’t have to be such a lonely place.

If you’ve read up to this point I am deeply grateful! I honestly don’t expect a great deal of traffic here, which is okay. Even writing just for myself will be all the therapy that I need and if community comes from this practice of journaling and honesty, then I’ll be all the more humbled.

Back again soon, friends!